Just dropped my car off at the garage and managed to drop the word carburettor into conversation with the mechanic so he knows to take me seriously and he told me my car doesn’t have a carburettor
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SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.
ME: *Shows him twitter*
SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.
You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?
She should play the lottery too !
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.
Wife: Why are you so handsome?
Me: Because I have an amazing wife who takes care of me and motivates me to stay in shape and eat well
Wife: 🥰
Me: Why are you so pretty?
Wife: bc I have a skin care routine
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.
I don’t hate you I just wish your next period is in a shark tank
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what
oh my god
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.
Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’
Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
5: “Mommy why not?”
Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?
Me: Just one.
TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?
Me: B-E-Z-O-S
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume