Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s not so much that I have no idea what the kids are saying these days, it’s that when I look up the slang I still have no idea what it means

Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.

Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious

[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]

scooby: RIVORCE???

Me: I’m a scorpion.

Date: You mean scorpio?

Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.

ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets

ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions

CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not

ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her

Don’t you just love arts and crafts?

I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.

At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.

Me, representing myself in court:

First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!

Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL

To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!

Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.

Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick

Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.

Tip: “At the same time” has more characters than “simultaneously.”

The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder.

Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?

Me: *chainsaw noises*

і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches

Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant

me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead

friend: it’s cool, we have a map

me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone

[8 AM]

Me: Time to wake up.

[13 HOURS LATER]

Me: Time to go to bed.

Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.

Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?

The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.

Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:

Dad: Who are you routing for?

Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.

shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM

Times are tough, wanna go halfsies on this demon with me?

i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely

Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.

I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.

I was going to pour a glass of wine tonight but then I scrolled here and think you guys might need it more than me.

Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.