Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?

Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey

Me: I am the smartest person alive!

Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.

Me:

[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]

…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy

dr: what happened here

me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him

dr: why

me: wasn’t his birthday I guess

WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING

[surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change
[me who’s always been a good tipper] you’re welcome

Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk

Why isn’t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.

I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.

Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?

Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.

Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.

It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.

There are three stages in a woman’s life.
1. Pampers
2. Always
3. Depends

If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.

If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!

Husband: ….

If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.

A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁

Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.

My favorite oxymorons:

1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.

Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?

It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.

Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.

A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.

“Dress for the job you want”, they say. Well, I always wanted to be a professional boxer, and now I can’t open this packet of crisps, so thanks a bunch for that.

The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.

I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid

just arby’s bein’ a bro

_ _ _ _ _

The category is “Down on the Farm.”

Contestant 1: Pat, I’d like a an “T.”

Pat Sajak: Sorry, No T’s. Actually, no consonants.

Old McDonald: I’d like to solve the puzzle

If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.

I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!

Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”

What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?

I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.