Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday

Yesterday our friend couldn’t make it tho the bar so instead of canceling they sent one of their other friends, which none of us have ever met, to replace them. You can do that? We are allowed to send in substitutes???

i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism

uh-oh. Bad news for Trump

The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!

wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep

me: I need a new shirt

stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?

Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.

Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.

Not sure it counts as gaslighting, but I’ve spent the past 40 years pronouncing “Orangutan” as “Orangutang” and I’m holding our entire education system responsible.

Thursday

“911, what’s your emergency?”

“My kids are being jerks.”

“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”

“Are you gonna send help?”

“…”

THERAPIST: You’re cured.

ME: Really?!?

THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?

I come from a long line of ancestors. My whole family tree is full of ancestors, every single branch. But not me. I decided to make a change. I’m a descendant. Never let the past hold you back.

Playdough smells better than other philosophers

HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful

Me: They are going to pay for saying that

Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade

If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.

I once worked with a girl that was so hot it was like she lived on another planet. She’d be like “you know how when you go to Subway they always give you free cookies” and I’d be like “no I don’t know that because us ugos have to pay for those cookies”

[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.

Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!

Wife: But we d..

*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores

7yo: I lost my tooth! Now I’ll get $100 from the tooth fairy!

Me: Hey buddy, the tooth fairy needs to make sure all kids get money. Don’t be surprised if you get a dollar or something.

7yo: Then why did the tooth fairy give Ray $100 for her tooth??

WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree

My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.

OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl

spider: sup

me: omg stay away

spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider

me: there’s good spiders?

spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you

Don’t touch that.

[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account