Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now

american friend: that’s not a real candy

me: or some yowie bungas

american: what

me: dropbear gobstoppers

american: no

me: cassowary chewies

american: please stop

me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders

i have feelings for you but you have to guess which ones

Occasionally I just fall behind on something people are talking about and make a note to catch up when I have time. I’m off work this week and now understand that NYT Connections is not a dating app.

I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on

him: can you pour me a glass of wine

me: there’s only enough left for me

him: there’s a whole bottle

me: yes

Omg like wtf
-me, praying

me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air

everyone: [puts hands up]

me: [already mad with power] one hop this time

Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.

COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?

ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me

Ok team, today we’re …..oh

“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.

whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.

I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.

Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.

thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs

I’d walk over cotton balls for you

Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”

Is it the “S” or the “C?”

smh

keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer

“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog

Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.

Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.

(genuine human laughter)

I don’t judge you when you make a typo.

I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.

Then I judge you.

When I say I’m Christmas shopping the “for myself” is silent

Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!

You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.

“Shall we proofread this before posting?”

“Fuck it.”

This made me chuckle.

9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas

me 10m after sprinkling lavender essential oil on my pillow: I am one with all beings

me 10m after getting in my car: learn how to use the left lane you piece of human shit

witch: what do u need?

me: a spell to make my dad proud

dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable

“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement