Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.
This is my bus stop.
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road
[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede
If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are
My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: what shall we worship?
EGYPTIAN KING: cats
Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it
I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.
If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.
Me: In the grand scheme of things nothing really matters. We are dust in the wind. An ethereal speck in the wonder of time.
Boss: I’m still going to need you to come to work on time.
Nostalgia isn’t as good as it used to be.
[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans
Jim: You have a Fantasy Football team?
Me: Guys aren’t my thing. But, Tom Brady’s kinda cute.
Jim: No, I-
Me: Ooh! Cam Newton’s dreamy, too!
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.
I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
[9pm on a Saturday night]
Apple Watch: You can still do it! Just take a brisk 20 minute walk to close your exercise ring.
Me: You know I can “forget” to charge you anytime I choose, right?
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
Calling it Quarantine:
-boring
-sad
-lonely afCalling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you’re a bad boy now
-cool as heck
