Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat: yes
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
Follow me for more recipes.
Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom
Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it
My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???
Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.
Wife: Congratulations.
[2 hours later]
Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.
straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”
I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)
It’s interesting to me that car drivers are the first to admit that other drivers are idiots, yet anytime you try to suggest policy that will take cars off the road, they’re the most resistant
Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
“This restaurant is so good I came twice,” she says.
“When was the other time you ate here?” he asks.
“Oh, no, this is my first time here.”
[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.
{concert}
eddie vedder: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the mosh pit waiting for my transition lenses to adjust to indoors) GIMME A SEC, ED
Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts
damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously
Guys when life is tough and you feel nothing is going your way, remember, things could always be worse. You could have to take a shit at a music festival.
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
