Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”
My wife tried calling the cable company and they put her on hold for 58 seconds…
58 seconds…
58 whole seconds…
Then she hung up, because she said “it felt like forever.”
…where was that attitude on our wedding night???
Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?
Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good
Genie: alright then [disappears]
Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
Me (remembering that girls like cute things): do you like peppa pig?
Date:
Me (remembering girls like tough guys): I killed her
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
Called in, “Car’s in the shop, so I’m taking the treadmill this morning. It’s taking forever.”
3yo: I need you to fix this.
Me: Listen, I got my own problems. You fix it.
3yo: Listen, you got my problems and your problems.
Me: Actually that’s very accurate. Give me your toy. I’ll fix it.
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
Thinking about the time my 2 yr old unbuckled his seatbelt and stood up to wave at a passing cop. I got a ticket and my 2 yr old got a sticker recruiting him to be a police officer.
Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood
Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.
*during sex
Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?
Me: Nope. Way better.
*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard
i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
Him: yeah?
*steals his car*
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?
