Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”
Me: *Sweeping*
Wife: Excuse me
Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS
Wife: …
Me: That’s from lord of
Wife: MOVE!
Me: *Moves*
Who the hell invented Bull Riding?
“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”
Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
WIFE: The neighbours are having a big Star Wars themed party.
ME: A Boba Fete.
HER: You’re not invited.
Look, if you’re worried about hidden cameras in your Airbnb, just send me in ahead of time. I’ll put on a little show in every room, and the owner will pull any and all hidden cameras no sweat.
[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
What’s the worst that could happen? Tried my lady’s body lotion on my face and my face turned into a body, kept doing that hoping to bring back my face and that’s how I ended up 37 feet tall
everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)
me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?
clerk: going camping?
me: no
Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.
he looks great for his age
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
#dnd #ttrpg
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
Are you there, bankrupt business? It’s me, Spirit Halloween.
Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
I met a microbiologist today…
He was a lot bigger than I expected.
Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs
ME: I worked at a zoo for a while
THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories
Spent the evening varnishing my Grandparents dining room floor. Here’s a list of things they offered me in the three hours I was there…
Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
