Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.

I’ve just turned off the news and put on a serial killer documentary to relax.

Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.

I could never work at subway because I’d say, “I got your foot long right here,” no matter what the customer ordered

*reads recipe and sees “raisins”

Well, that’s not going to happen.

Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.

For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.

*sends nudes*

Him: omg you showered!

Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.

Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.

*at a restaurant*

Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward

Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes

Him: You got Tik Tok?

Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?

Him: …

Me: *rattles can in front of him*

If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.

[history class in 2069]

TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?

ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.

TEACHER: correct

One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.

every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address

I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.

Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are

remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate

Podiatrists don’t use metric.

They only deal with feet.

Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie

me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go

Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs

I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser

Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing

First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing

My job applications are getting rejections even before anyone interviews me so, instead of my resume I’m just going to submit a list of my greatest tweets and list my reply guys as references

Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend

I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up

I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑