Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
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explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”
Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
Kids: Yay!
M: See you in a week!
*slams door*Kids: …
[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”
Liam Neeson returns in…
TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED
(Summer 2015)
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.
Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking
ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol
All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE