Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY

*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*

Other people: I should put that back where it belongs

Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it

Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair

If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.

I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.

*Runs Amazon van off the road

WHAT DO WE WANT!?

A forum for passive aggressive behavior!

WHEN do we want it?

NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.

evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.

So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.

Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.

First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute

10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH

It’s hilarious to me that every microwave has a “popcorn” button and every package of microwave popcorn says DO NOT USE POPCORN BUTTON

Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:

You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.

i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.

me: my car makes a funny noise

mechanic: that’s the horn

[attending a lecture on kleptomania]

Me: *taking notes*

Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes

If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.

Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.

If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,

where would you hide it?

8:00 AM: Too tired to think

Noon: Too tired to think

5:00 PM: Too tired to think

Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??

cat: *plays fiddle*

cow: *jumps over moon*

dishes: *run away*

farmer: *sets down bong*

Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.

The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse

Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.

My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.

“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”

if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?

Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.

Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol

Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today

Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.

you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator