Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
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Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be
She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…
ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.
*on walkie-talkies
Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically
Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.
Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh
me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas:
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
Jurassic park gets weird
the passive aggression of Snapchat asking “do you want to abandon your snapsterpiece?” and forcing you to click “abandon” like sorry I’m not carrying this picture of my bagel to term, I had a moment of clarity and remembered literally no one needs to see this
4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?
Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!
4: her strap on!
Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-
Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING
i spent way too long on this
my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁
just a heads up. i will be running around the house. as fast as possible. for the next 15 seconds. i will have no regard for furniture. or any individuals in my way. when i am done. do not ask me why i have done this. because i do not know
I think the cat got the dog high.
if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’