Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: My God…yours is huge!

Me: It’s the biggest gift card Sizzler sells, baby.

*slow wink*

Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack

Therapist: How do you feel now?

Me: With my elbows

While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.

waitress: are there any allergies at this table?

me, already drunk: POLLEN

How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.

Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you

[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?

There should be a rule that people have to say what they want from you BEFORE asking “are you busy?”

Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.

[NASA March 1970]

Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?

NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!

[NASA April 1970]

[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]

Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”

The Salad:

Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.

When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting

ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft

Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.

HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss

Me: “ok”

Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.

Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.

Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.

Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.

Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY

It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.

My favorite part of any relationship is the very beginning, before the other person realizes what a mess you are and what a huge mistake they are making

Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.

Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.

me: if you love something, set it free

wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t

of course babies cry when flying, their entire understanding of planes centres around them being eaten

interviewer: would u say ur driven

[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]

me: oh yes

I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!

(Sigh)

I just don’t know what to keep it in….

sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them