Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.

The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.

If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.

Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.

when someone rings the doorbell

When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.

Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.

Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.

In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate

My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass

My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ

date: i like guys who are mysterious

me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman

As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.

3am

Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?

The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.

Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it

sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade

Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas

New mom: any advice?

Mom 1: sleep when the baby sleeps

Mom 2: eat when the baby eats

Me (who has no children): check your email when the baby checks their email

Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand

By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance

Look at this

Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.

*new parents*

Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.

Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!

What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?

interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure

vanilla ice: *squinting* no

Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.

One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.

me: what’s wrong?

date: you said you’d prepared a four course meal

me: yeah, but you didn’t seem to enjoy the first two courses so…

date: i just didn’t realize you meant obstacle courses