Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
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When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
Cannot stop laughing at this
WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool
it’s a van. how do they not know this
#NoRestForTheWicked
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
no
Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”
me to God
We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.
Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?
4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.
Me:
4:
Me: Well, obviously.
Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull
Mouse
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.