Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.

[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet

My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.

Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.

*getting kicked out of bookclub*

me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are

GF: that spoon is still dirty

ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher

GF: I can see the mayo on it

ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now

honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good

Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .

I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae

*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*

I totally get your eyebrows.

My bank account is overdrawn, too.

Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.

the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces

I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.

The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.

Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us

[job interview]

What are your strengths?

Me: inventing special occasions.

Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*

“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink

Mom Math:

If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?

If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.

When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.

That’s me in a nutshell.

This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage

Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.

Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.

i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video

[BAR]
Me: What do you recommend?
Barkeep: Moscow Mule, Mojito, Old Fashi-
M: [Puts finger to his lips] which tastes the most like Capri-sun?

*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who

Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.

Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.

Every triangle is a love triangle when you love triangles

Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.

50 Shades of Dre.

What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go