Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
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Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys
lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
As someone who was born in August, I find the word leotard extremely offensive.
With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.
So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
Am I having a stroke?
Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.
Coworker: What?
Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.
Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.
Me: Yes.
the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
Swedish for common sense.
“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
Was very hungry when I made a wish to the genie I found in a lamp and I had a Freudian slip and now I’m a chicken magnet
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”