Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
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I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.
Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.
I’m tired of being the only single person in my friendship group, so I’m going to make a real effort to get out there and meet new people. One of them is bound to have some good ideas for sabotaging my friends’ relationships.
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.
Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?
I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes
[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]
Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”
Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*
Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like “makes sense” & I was sitting there all “A swan wtf?”
Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans:
GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro
Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.
[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”
[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*
Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit
Me: WAIT
Adam and Eve: *Staring*
Me: You gotta wash it first
Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?
Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.
I’m too immature for adultery.
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to