Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
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I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.
There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
Me gasping and flipping off the vultures as they circle above the running track
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
[breaking up with a guy]
Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.
Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive
ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY
BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.![]()
If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can
Hiring a mortician to do my makeup while I sleep
[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
I have a new favorite conspiracy theory
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Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
Canada has crack?
Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.
Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.
His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.
[my gf actually turns into a worm]
me: oh my god. it’s ok, i’ll still go out with you
my worm gf: [sees a cool worm wearing a leather jacket] i think we should see other people
Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.