Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better

Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.

I love reaching into my messy bag looking for something and everyone around me hears like glass breaking and bombs going off and a cat meowing from inside there

Some good places you can stay for free:
In your own lane
Out of my business

I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.

My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.

I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.

Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.

me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)

wife: what are you doing?

brain: lie.

me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.

If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.

No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?

No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.

*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”

What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought

Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.

Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.

If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.

a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry

Me: Excuse me, where’s the rowing boat equipment?

Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.

Me: …

Employee: …

Me: Or you’ll what?

GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!

Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.

(Musicians.)

I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.

I said, “Do you comb hair often?”

Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon

Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”

Me: “BRO, you were there.”

They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”

My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us

I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.

Me: Send prudes.

Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?

Me: What? Ew. No.

Guys: I’m educated about female issues.

Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?