Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
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Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence9: Yummm! What’s that smell?
Me: Cereal
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
Me: it’s cold and wet.
Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?
Me: n-no.
Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.
Me: why?
Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.
Me:
Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.
As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
This may be my favorite dog video ever.
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”
Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”
[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
[car dealership]
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*
“Oh.”
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in