Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
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*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like I want to stab someone.
Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.
Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”
Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
Life hack: if you run out of treadmill space for your clothes get a piano
“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.
Me: I just took my contacts out.
“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
Only three things are preventing me from becoming an Olympic gymnast: balance , strength, and getting out of this beanbag chair.
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”
I would move hell over six inches for you
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
Tupperware is filing for bankruptcy. They would have kept a lid on the news but they couldn’t find one.
I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.
What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….
Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right
Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*