Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven

Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.

Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi

“Taco Bell isn’t even good” Yeah I know. Sometimes the raccoon inside of me craves garbage. Leave me & my Crunchwrap alone

85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.

Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down

Boss: [to coworker] print out that document, and in the meantime-

Me: [from the other end of the office] DID SOMEONE SAY MEAN TIME?!

boss: oh God

Me: [stands up on Barbs desk] your kids are ugly as shit, Barb!

I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.

“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*

Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.

They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.

Or bees.

[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?

@Mardigroan @sofarrsogud If you own a coffee shop and aren’t having a July Froth sale, what are you even doing?

wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home

Me and my siblings:

We are running low on groceries, so the bread on today’s sandwiches is Eggo and the meat is also Eggo.

*first day as getaway driver

“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”

BANK EMPLOYEE:
*chasing me*
sir! you can’t leave with that!
ME: *running w/ a pen w/ a chain still attached*
I BROUGHT IT WITH ME FROM HOME!

*flashes smile*

*smile calls police*

“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*

Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.

Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.

My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?

I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.

No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK

I’ve been drinking.

“You can hide but you can’t run,”

– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids

Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?

My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!

Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.