Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
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Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.
Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.
Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.
Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are
*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
Humidity is great because then people think it’s not my fault that my hair looks like this.
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.
Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
“Are the cops gone?”
“Yeah.”
“Thanks buddy, I owe you one.”
Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
She was rare, like a goth jogging
Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”
They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.
At the urinal in an I-95 rest stop bathroom:
Siri’s voice (from my back pocket): Turn left.
Man to the left of me: Please don’t.
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off