Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding

me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where

[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die

There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.

I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it

– me, plugging in a USB

“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center

I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.

I wasn’t snoring..

I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.

Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]

How do some animals just abandon their young like that??

After kids:
[Watching nature documentary]

[Takes notes]

[Me as a zoo tour guide]

Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois

8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-

Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon

8: They’re pand-

Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.

8: Zeb-

Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR

The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the world

Banana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?

I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home

[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.

wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*

Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?

Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.

Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless

Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*

If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.

She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.

Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight

Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one

Me: I’ve never been prouder of you

I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.

I got drunk and went to an AAA meeting. It didn’t help. There were just a bunch of sober people talking about roadside maintenance.

Who says all the good chemistry jokes argon??

Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.

Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.

I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM

“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”

“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”

And those were his last words

I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.

It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.

My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong

If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room