Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
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Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
[abruptly stops speaking in tongues] Oh the exorcism is for ME?
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.
[at condiment counter]
*does shot of ketchup*
Me (gets in kid’s face): Wait your turn, punk
Wife: Oh no…he’s getting sauced up again
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
[writing Jurassic Park 2]
Writer 1: alright first things first, palaeontologists OUT
Writer 2: but it’s a dinosaur movie-
Writer 1: -bUt iTs A dInOsAuR mOviE STFU. Hairy chest mathematician IN
Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
What if you’re only given pork to eat in the afterlife? Would that be eternal hamnation?
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.
I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
(from the bottom of a well) is this the trap
Leaving my son at college
Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it’s cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning
Husband: Love ya bud
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’
You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…
-my wife telling a story
ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]
GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*