Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!

He instantly became one of the bros

There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.

My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call

Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.

You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.

Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.

Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.

Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.

One time I was at a bar with some friends and I told my one friend he was being belligerent (he was) and for the rest of the night he was like “oh I’m belligerent huh? I’m belligerent?” And it was clear he didn’t know what the word meant

If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.

Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.

*pulls coin bucket out of freezer

[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail

I don’t know if I’m dumb or my dog just super smart, she manages to trick me every time, thinking she needs to go outside, but then she stops at the treat cupboard and refuses to go any further until I give her the goods!

Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?

-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut

Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead

lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?

me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.

according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working

My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.

He’s 21 and home for the summer.

It doesn’t get better.

Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter

I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.

The real controller stays on my person at all times.

Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.

Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.

I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.

well, guess what, Brianne?

Happy 25th anniversary

Tell Dad I said hi

Modern Way to Name Babies:

1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settle

Congratulations on your child McKimberlynn.

Me: hi 🙂

Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???

Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.

NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!

ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you

“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”

Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer

I eat salads because you can’t just drink ranch dressing