Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
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My heart 😭
“16 hours and you know what we have not lost one patient today”
THIS ENERGY! ALL DAY EVERY DAY 😭❤
Her name is Angie. She is a frontline Nurse in New York. She is 60 years old working 16 hour shifts at the hospital.
A HERO
KNOW HER NAME!
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met
Professor whatshisname: get out
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.
The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.
It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.
Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
You look like you would fail a DNA test
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
That’s it.I’m out.
Shout out to the lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*
[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.
Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”
Me: “17”
Them: “2017 or….?”
Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”
In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.
Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.