Just experienced LA to its fullest.
A girl ate a habanero pepper and panicked and someone offered her a glass of milk and she paused mid freak out and goes “do you have almond milk?”
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Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.
That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
Diabetes was the God of sugar.
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
Took my twins to the dentist so now their teeth are clean but we cannot afford further education.
j o i m p
KID: Dad?
DAD: Yes, son
KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?
DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-
KID: Never mind
I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.