Just experienced LA to its fullest.
A girl ate a habanero pepper and panicked and someone offered her a glass of milk and she paused mid freak out and goes “do you have almond milk?”
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The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
ME: wow look at all these hotties
FIREFIGHTER: *rescuing a sixth person from a burning building* stop calling them that
If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”
A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.
me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?
kid: not like this
Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –
Apologies in advance to my coroner
Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Never. He’s my friend.
Council: …and an iPad.
Judas: I hate that guy.
Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence
Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.
If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
Him: I’m a vegetarian
Me, holding a fork and licking my lips: I’m a humanitarian
Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
Overheard on the bus:
“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window