Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.

named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.

When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.

I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.

Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …

Fun tip:

Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.

*thumbs up*

Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states

Him: yeah?

*steals his car*

before you call me an idiot consider this: i know

officer: give me your name

me: then what am I going to use?

me adding lol on a serious message

It isn’t enough to know you liked my tweet. I need a play by play. I want Twitter to tell me “Carl saw your tweet”. “Carl misinterpreted your tweet and had to read it again.” “Carl is now laughing at your tweet.”

Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.

I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.

Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside

*45 minutes later*

She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead

I spilled beer on a guy. He said “You wanna dance?” I said “Can’t, I don’t have my dancing shoes on.” He was so disappointed, he beat me up.

Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.

me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both

me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet

My 4yo’s teacher: He’s one of my model students.

Me [aghast]: My child?

I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.

[On the phone with my bookie]

Put it all on Jesus and let it ride

One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.

If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager

I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.

Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.

My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants

🤣😂🤣😂

Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.

Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.

I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you

How come when I am at a fair or carnival I can throw three balls at a wall full of bottles and not hit a thing, but when I am in the shower I can accidentally drop a bar of soap and somehow knock over everything in all four corners of the tub?