Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.
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Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
Can we please stop with the travel hack of booking seats on the aisle and window in the hope of having a spare seat in between? As a solo traveller who has now been stuck in between these travel hackers it sucks. Talking over me, passing snacks over me etc. Just sit together.
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]
Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.
Scans first item.
Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”
remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
me at a restaurant
waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you
Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.
me: what’s your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff
me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
🙂🐾
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[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.