Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah

Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.

my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting

My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.

I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.

Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.

someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling

My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”

The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout

Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again

Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.

Authorities claim that a Canadian company is at the centre of an international pyramid scheme. The company hasn’t responded to the accusation, but they did ask two people to respond for them, and each one asked two people to respond for *them*, and so on.

*first day as getaway driver

“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”

Government Shutdown: Day 4

3am: Monkey House, National Zoo

A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.

Ben Stiller escapes into the night.

Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.

The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.

These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.

my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart

Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car

Operator: what’s your emergency

Me: my fridge fell on me

Operator: is anything broken

Me: some eggs maybe

that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud

DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs

My dad thought Siri would be more helpful finding a lemon ricotta recipe if he used an Italian accent.

Unexpected Judgment

My daughter had a before school donut party for track and an after school ice cream party for orchestra so I asked her if she had anything else coming up?

My 10 y/o as he walks by… “Diabetes probably.”

Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.

I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.

Use protection, young people.

Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess

I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.

The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.

The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.

hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concerned

let’s talk