Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.

Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!

[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*

15yo: Mom, now that you have to do your own nails, maybe you shouldn’t do them at night…
ME: I didn’t!
15yo: when it’s dark …
ME: It was morning!
15yo: and cloudy…
ME: It was sunny!
15yo: when you’re tired…
ME: I just woke up!
15yo: while drinking…
ME: … fair.

“To each their own”

Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.

I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”

If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.

The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.

At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.

Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.

Threw my garbage in the dumpster noticed I didn’t have my wallet. After looking everywhere, I fished out the garbage bag with an ice scraper. Found my wallet in the garbage but my keys fell in. After considerable more effort I have my keys. And I’ve only been outside 20 mins!

i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.

Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.

kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf

[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?

What the hell happened here.

[making tennis equipment at 3AM]

neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket

ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!

KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.

*first day as a Walmart greeter*

Me: You know Target’s still open, right?

BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-

ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]

*eats only grass-fed donuts

tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards

me: but that means change or rebirth, right?

tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no

[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*

my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too

cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer

me: were they favorable

It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.

Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute

Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.

An M&M.

In half.

WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.

Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?

Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?

10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?

Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]