Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻♀️😂
You Might Also Like
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought
You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine
Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
Only Americans understand
When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.
i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.
why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth
5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.
You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed
early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤
It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
aura
My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck