Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻♀️😂
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simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
7: MOMMY!
Me: *flys out of bed* What’s wrong?
7: I don’t know what time it is
Me: It’s the middle of the night
7: Then why are you awake?
someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it
My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.
That woman has no sense of humour.
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.
{job interview}
Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?
Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty
Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*
Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
What an awful time to have common sense.
A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.
Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl
5yo: mom, my teacher says I smell better than you
me: excuse me what
5yo: I can smell more things
7yo: ohh with his nose
5yo: yeah, I can smell better with my nose…because you’re old
me: wow
wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”
Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.
it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”
[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
A: okay
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far
Obsessed with when babies see a younger baby and say “baby!” Like girl, ur the Spider-Man meme right now