Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot
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Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”
“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%“…but”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━━70:28:54
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%
Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.
[fire]
EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.
Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first
My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
My phone just filmed a 2 hour documentary about life inside my purse
I love books.
How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.
Except when I’m moving to a new place.
Then I hate books.
I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day he checked the comments and replies, and got the idea for hell.
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
Everyone is entitled to a couple conspiracy theories, but is safe to say Elvis is probably dead by now?
Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher