Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.

– My clothes.

Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?

Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?

[costume party]
friend: you’re late

me, dressed as a sloth: sorry

[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?

“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.

Me: I don’t appreciate being unexpectedly hit with goose liver.

Waiter: I’m sorry for throwing you a surprise pâté.

Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can

If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems

CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.

[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]

I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz

I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.

Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.

I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.

Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.

[at grocery store]

Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?

Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s

* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications

judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?

me: I do

“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”

Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.

[First prison riot]

Me: *guarding my toilet wine*

Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*

[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied

Deleting my dating apps to meet someone the old fashioned way, his best friend moves in next door and he ignores me at a party only to propose to me and I say I hate him but then I see his house and he gets my idiot sister out of a jam and his aunt yells at me

This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread

Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.

*Press Conference*

Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole

Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable

Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro

If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.

Do men still open car doors?

That 👊

how many bears make up a bear minimum