Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot
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My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom
Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?
Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
My child: mom! Stop saying you’re old!
Also my child: please don’t break a hip on your run today. You fall down very easily.
[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12
My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
*In the elevator*
Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?
Me: No. We’re just friends
Guy: ….
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch
Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
Awwwww shit.
Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.
TERMINATOR: Come with me if you *really* want to live.
[montage of them going to art galleries, swimming with dolphins, sky diving etc]
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
Them: *typing professionally on their computer*
Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*
As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help