Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot
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ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho
me waiting on an email: what the hell is taking so long, this is ridiculous
me, sending an email: this can probably wait another three weeks or so
Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard
watching the vp debate, in any election year, is time you will never get back. time you could be using to learn a cool new skill. you could learn how to make pottery. you could make weird little bowls and shit
(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.
North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.
<door bell>
Zombie wife: Is that Bob?
Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.
TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????
Im out of cotton balls. 😒
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.
I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.
I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.