Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot
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Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
[on phone]
ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?
HER: We broke up. I told you last night
ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
dream blunt rotation
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes
I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”
Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
Thought I’d be trendy and try one of these ‘alternative milks’.
I don’t know what a magnesia is, but it made my Cocoa Puffs taste horrible…
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?
Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
[bank]
me: this is a stick up!
bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around
me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed
bank teller: lol first time?
me: is it that obvious?
bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie