Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?

My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.

“I do not negotiate with little kids”

My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted

Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh

Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.

Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.

Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”

Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.

*finds $20 in the dryer*

*adds money launderer to my resumé*

If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls

Husband: Do you want to watch “how to become a cult leader”

Me: nah

Husb: you could create your own cult

Me: I already did…. I made 2 humans from my body and they depend on me for everything… I’m their god

ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk

WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours

ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?

GUY: fruit flies I think

ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug

Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!

Millennial: I put a film of me opening a shoe box on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire

I got confused by all the yard signs, and I think I may have voted for a realtor.

Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?

8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!

Finally

A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need

This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.

During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter

Interviewer: can I get you anything?

Me: yea a job

Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?

Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other

you shouldn’t have to go to work tomorrow if the mayor is getting arrested

Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is

“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”

-3 year olds

👮‍♂️New comic: Good Cop, Bad Cop👮‍♂️

My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship

Wanna hear a joke?

Sleep.

I know, I don’t get it either.

A social media post so confusing you turn your music down to read it.