Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets

I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.

My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.

Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.

Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now

Girl i dated had an outside cat who really liked me & one day when i went out for a smoke there was a bird heart placed on the wall where i usually sat. Cat was scoping me to see if i liked my gift so i did that move where you pretend to eat it so she didnt think i was ungrateful

Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’

Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’

My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better

Her: I just feel so alone

Him: Jesus loves you

Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up

I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.

ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics

choose your fighter

As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”

Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.

*Gets dressed.

I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.

You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …

Me: How could you do this?

Her: I just felt like you needed to know

Me: I’ve completely lost trust

Her: I know this is hard

Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.

What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?

I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food

Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.

23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.

My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”

According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.

“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”

I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.

If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price

[bank holdup]

Bank teller: interesting choice in masks

Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores

older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!

younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive

everyone:

everyone:

everyone:

older coworker: you don’t get any cake

Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’

Genius idea!!