Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
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Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.
Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.
my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom
Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry
me: is it cool if i add a little hat
person i’m tattooing: what no
me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]
Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind
Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’
Me : Be there in 10 min
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
In the early 70s the original members of Kansas broke up and tried to find work with another band, thus coining the famous phrase “Toto, I’ve a feeling we’re not in Kansas anymore.”
some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:
*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*
[grocery store]
me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
[kill bill sirens]
[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.
My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-
My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”