Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.

Me: cute infant you have there

Mary: thanks

Me: so tender and mild

Mary: …w-what

dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground

Imagine having a cool ass name like Theodore, and then people just call you Ted.

Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.

[Person about to invent vaping] I wish this mango smoothie was on fire.

There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.

How much for the soul sucker?

Sir, that’s a baby

I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.

[outside a blazing house]

Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.

Great seizure this morning! We found 10 kg of c*****e in a statue. The 9kg of c*****e was weighed and bagged and, I can tell you, 7kg of c*****e took a fair few bags. We’ll hand the 4kg to the police after analysing the 2kg first. Well done Customs on finding the 300 grams!

[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]

The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕

Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.

5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.

cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me

me: no go away

cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad

Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.

If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.

5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”

Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it

5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”

“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”

Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea

[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.

“You ordered a Grande.”

Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.

“Sir, please just take her.”

The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.

Wild horses could easily drag me away.

In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.

[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten

[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating

*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*

WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.

BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday

I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.

me: does anyone here play baseball

england: *crickets*

My husband breaking the news to my kids: We’re probably not going anywhere this weekend.
My kids: NOOOOO!
Me: ʸᵉˢˢˢˢ

The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’

I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?