Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
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Modded the new Gran Turismo
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
Caveman: I have discovered fire
Village: yayyyyy
Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff
Village: booooo
Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”
Me: [Donating my body to science.]
Science: [Donating my body to Goodwill.]
MC HAMMER: U can’t touch this! … U can’t touch this!
MASSAGE THERAPIST: Please just let me do my job Mr. Hammer!
MC HAMMER: U can’t tou…
Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
Husband: How painful is childbirth?
Me: Imagine going to Hobby Lobby with me.
H: Okay?
Me: Then Home Goods.
H: Alright.
Me: Then Bed, Bath & Beyond, then Kohl’s, then Michaels, then JC Penney’s, then –
H: *in fetal position*
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
Cop: I need statements from you both
Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!
Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.
EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.
M: there are so many castles for sale in France!
H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there
M: that’s the best selling point there is!
The spelling of “bourgeoisie” was intended as yet another means of oppression
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?
no!! no!!!!!!