Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
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who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
I read a news article about a guy who bought a golden egg for $13k that turned out to be a Faberge egg worth $33 mil. Those kinds of lucky stories would never happen to me. There will never be a news story that says “Man finds lost Rembrandt painting inside bag of Doritos”.
If you’re expecting your first baby, skip the self-help books and practice not feeling triggered by “watch this” “why” and “one more”
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
[Bank]
COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO
ROBBER: Okay, who wants out?
ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I’m comfortable.
“Morning, how was your weekend?”
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.
My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.
Nobody seems more shocked, disappointed and dismayed than the person behind the Post Office counter when I arrive and say I’ve got something to post.
people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.
me: *clicks Add to dictionary*
microsoft word: yeah definitely doing that 👍
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
airing out the snack pack
This all goes a lot faster in the movies.