Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
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“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
Instead of killing yourself or a sherpa trying to climb Everest, you can just tell people that you successfully summited.
Much easier and safer
How do you like your Corgi?
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
When does CPR become necrophilia?
I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
After I drink coffee I show my empty cup to the IT guy and say that I have successfully installed Java. He hates me.
Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
Store clerk: May I help you?
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.
My wife during our sexy time does not.
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches