Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
You Might Also Like
Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?
Me: Not really, I’m stuffed
Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check
Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.
My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.
A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.
[first karate lesson]
Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!
Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?
Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior
Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
WIFE:
“At recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isn’t that adorable?”ME:
”That Miller kid? He’ll eat anything.”
I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.
Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.
My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”
I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again
“What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
“Orange”
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are
NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.