Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
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I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
socratic questions
Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES
Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?
my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
to any witches I’ve offended: please don’t shrink me, it would be just awful if I had to go live in this large nineteenth-century doll’s house
Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you
Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.
I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.
Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?
Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-
Wife: Thirty-seven