Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.

A mosquito bit me and now it’s gotten a DUI and an intervention

A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.

how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on

Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.

I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.

If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.

[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)

ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*

Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.

Me: Breakfast!
Son: YOU made it?
Me: Yup.
Son: What is it?
Me: An omelet.
Son: It’s…um… crunchy.
Me: NEXT TIME PICK UP YOUR LEGOS.

Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm

Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!

I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.

*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.

*whispers* cheerios

“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*

All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.

good let them take over I have had enough

I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.

Man sits by me on train.
MAN: Loads of psychopaths around here
ME: Really?
MAN: Loads mate
ME: How’d you know?
MAN: There’s signs aren’t there?
ME: I guess?
MAN: I love them
(47 minutes of awkward silence.)
Man leaves train, he has a bike. I realise he was saying ‘cycle paths’.

I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.

[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]

When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.

just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye

I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed

Welcome to downtown where the crosswalk signals are merely suggestions and you hope the puddles are water.

My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.

I didn’t even know I had a wife.

Not much more embarrassing than going to play hoops with a friend and they’re thinking basketball and you’ve guessed hula.

employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao

*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…

Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave

Me: and the last piece?

Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao

My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.

I didn’t know they can drive…