Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
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I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car
me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-
Other people on life raft: please stop
Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.
Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I’ll give you $100 if you go to bed.
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast
guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-
guard 2: AAAAAAHHH
guard 1: always screams
me: doesn’t that get annoying?
guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.
Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”
Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”
Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?