Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why is bacon called bacon and cookies called cookies if you cook bacon and bake cookies?

This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter

My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.

I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.

*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking

If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping

I HAVE BEEN TO FOUR DIFFERENT FABRIC STORES LOOKING FOR THIS ‘WIFEY MATERIAL’!
WHERE COULD THIS TYPE OF MATERIAL BE!?

6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.

I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”

Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise

All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.

I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.

Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow

Fun Prank:

Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move

@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.

Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD

Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”

The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less

I was dismayed to hear the story of Rumpelstiltskin. I had no idea he was like that outside of work

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot

Romance is weird. My wife said she wanted fantasy play but got angry when I handed her the wizard beard & 20 sided dice

Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.

[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]

HER: This is nice.

ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.

Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song

It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.

Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.

[dinner date]

me: here, let me get the door for you

her: no I got it

me: ffs it’s MY microwave

Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.

[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then

13: *walking into room*

Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.

13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*

Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table

Murderer: ok thanks