Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*

A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.

When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.

WFH: Work From Home

my brain: WaFfle House

I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist

If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.

Amazon prime in the future:

Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow

Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?

If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.

Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please

Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business

I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.

[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!

I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“

In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.

DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips

ME: why?

DAUGHTER:

ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it

Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.

New-to-school parent: I haven’t heard that — was it in one of the school emails?

Experienced parent: Oh I don’t know, don’t read those. Heard it from Becky whose neighbor’s sister-in-law works in the school office on Thursday mornings.

Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.

“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.

“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.

zoologist 1: whale

zoologist 2: we used that name already

zoologist 1: shark

zoologist 2: we used that name too

zoologist 1: whale-shark

zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir

You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong

im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances

I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.

I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…

For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…

security at the airport getting more straightforward

BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead

911: did u murder him?

BLACK WIDOW: uh

911: ma’am

BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*

I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.

Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…

My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.

I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.