Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
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my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.
it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me
*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*
Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts
Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be
My 7yr old was legit mad at me because I wouldn’t let her practice giving me a Covid test with Q-tips. The meltdown was torture but I feel like I made the right choice.
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no
Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.
Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?
wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”
Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
lawyer: WHAT?
me: the hearing.
lawyer: WHAT?
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something[Later on date]
ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
Free him
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading