Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
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*I describe my lost cat to the cops*
Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*
Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?
Me: that’s not my hair.
Wife: then who’s hair is it?
Me: omg it’s a full moon.
Wife: so?
Me: *whispers* weresoap.
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”
In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
[first day as a drug dealer]
Buyer: got any Morphine?
Me: I’m gonna be honest with you [searching through fannypack] I don’t know what Feen is.
[on my deathbed]
Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?
Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.
Me: I’M UP!!!
god, never seen san francisco this bad. spiderwebs completely covering entire business, skeletons just strewn about sidewalks in every neighborhood, things have got to change
Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.
Not my fault if the kids give up too soon
[getting murdered]
me: my computer has a virus, so u could say
[murdering pauses]
me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol
[murdering intensifies]
Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud