Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
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Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”
Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”
Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it
FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok
The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”
I could open a chip bag on the back 40 and my 6yo gonna show up outta no where wanting some like how tf does he do that!?
“If you don’t ask, you don’t get” isn’t always true because I definitely did not ask you to be such a massive tw#t.
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
uh oh
“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”
*thief runs by, steals gold*
“Hey! You!”
Au, got it. Next element.
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident
Me: say no more
[Later]
Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.
Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
When Corner House says something righteous and you just think
More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.
I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.
Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh
[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free