Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
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Quotes to calm an angry woman:
1. Stress makes you fat.
2. My ex never acted like that.
3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
me: more teeth
dentist: what
me: *recording video* no skimping now
Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]
Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
“Done the ad yet?”
“Yes, it’s already up.”
“Great. And you remembered the names of all the dinosaurs?”
“More or less”
For sale: Safe word. Sadly, never used
My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.
Watched a movie on Netflix last night that was so bad, I walked out of my own house.
“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!
Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room
car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin