Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
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working at a bank sounds so funny, what do you mean your company has 10,000 vice presidents
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
[gets pulled over]
me: problem, officer?
cop: you were swerving, i want you to count backwards from 100 for me
[2hrs 36m later]
me: how was that
cop: did you really need the “bottles of beer on the wall” part before every number
Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
Hey sorry I cant make it tonight. I am beset on all sides by foes
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”
[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july
If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
i’m not celebrating labor day tomorrow. i’m gonna sit on my ass
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
I said “temperature’s dropped!” to someone I always pass on my walks and he replied, “I actually thought it was quite warm today”
That is NOT in the script. You’re meant to say “winter’s on the way” or “soon be Christmas” or “nights are drawing in”… something that roughly…
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers
Proofread twice, hang posters once
