Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
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Thank you to the army of faceless accounts boosting my content
I wear sunglasses when I’m driving so nobody knows I’m asleep.
The most maddening thing about having a cat is when you can’t find them and start panicking and sweet-talk-hollering for them and shaking the treat box and nearing a panic attack — and they come yawning and stretching out of some nook or cranny like “Wow, you are being so loud.”
Pro tip:
Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.
She’s still telling me.
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
Sat in the waiting room at the vet and a lady just came walking in and goes “oh f**k, I’ve left the dog at home” 😂😂
A wise man once said nothing.
Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
12: What’s in cocktail sauce?
Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.
12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.
playing pool? you mean swimming?
I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
I talk a lot of shit for someone who is startled by my own toast popping up while I’m watching it, every. single. time.
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.
My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?