Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
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wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
[God creating octopus]
Angel: We’re outta teeth. You gave too many to the sharks
God: Crap. What’s left?
A: ink & suction cups
G: Hmmm..
I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact
He living his best life
There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
[Amazon marketing emails]
‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*
‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*
‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*
‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*
*looks in mirror*
Hmm *—add to basket*
*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance
My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!
Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese
My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*
Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”
I reply, “Good. You?”
And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.
He never makes plans to go out.
I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.
As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?
Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.