Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
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Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.
Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!
I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
lol
I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.
I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.
But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.
KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin
Bear Family: what’s our cover?
KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
23. the denim jacket
Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
Me: Can I have some of your candy?
3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: Deal.
Wife: NO!
When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.
My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.
Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.
I still can’t believe Aldi sells these for 25 cents. I’ve got 8 of them now and don’t really even have a use for them, it was just too good of a deal to pass up.
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”
SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*
ME [shaking] omg that’s him!
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.