Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A late person is never happier than when the person they’re meeting is later than them

Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins

Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-

Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed

Me: … that long

jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg

A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.

It was an unexpected LAN slide.

I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.

i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do

This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.

I bet you didn’t see that one coming.

Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks

Him: you just offended all of Canada

like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)

Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?

Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.

I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.

My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them

I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.

[10 PM]
If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep

[3AM]
Siri what is a grape nut

i will not be silenced

Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension

I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.

My neighbor, whose name I thought was Chuck (for two years), told me his name and I immediately forgot it.

The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.

Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right

Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside

GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high five

ME: he bought some dirt

GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok

ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself

It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale

“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?

Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”

It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.

…& against the advice of everyone in the drum circle greg unsealed the pack of natural hemp paper & rolled the 7th blunt, summoning the four hippies of the hackey sackolypse

Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.

Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.

wake up babe a new cause of homosexuality just dropped

If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.