Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
You Might Also Like
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.
When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.
Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage
Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.
Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kitesThings my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:
What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind
Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’
Me : Be there in 10 min
Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
I like to take long walks away from stupid people.
All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
Me: okay yeah, cool Wu Tang shirt bro, bet you can’t even name one song.
6 month old baby: ……..
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.