Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
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Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
[1st day as IT guy]
CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?
ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok
[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don’t
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking
No Black Friday for me, if I wanna see people fighting over electronics I’ll just give my daughter and her cousins an iPad
Bad news – science doesn’t want your body. Looks like your only choice is to put it up on Facebook marketplace
if I order fries, they are for me
if he orders fries, they are for me
if the next table orders fries and they’re not looking, they are for me
You might think off-brand products are, “just as good,” but I learned my lesson at Lollapalooka.
Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!
Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?
Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…
Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you
I don’t know which is worse, people stealing your tweets or people not stealing your tweets.
It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
found this cool rock hiking today
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
