Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics

“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”

sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means

My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.

Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.

Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..

You know what sucks about Karaoke?

Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna

drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”

I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.

i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…

Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then

This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….

Long story short….Send bail money…

*knocks on bathroom stall wall*

Forgive me father, for I have sinned.

“Huh? What?”

It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]

*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.

I don’t hate you I just wish your next period is in a shark tank

lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones

Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.

closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad

HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched

You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you

What do you call a lazy crawfish? A slobster.

🤣 I’ve got a million of them.
🤕 Who threw that shoe?

Customer: Can someone else serve us?

Me:?

C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.

M: Satan wants their tiny souls.

NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.

“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.

I don’t want Happy Hour at a bar.

I want Angry Hour at the grocery store when I get discounts on groceries they rearranged since the last time I went there and shopped.

Cancer: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints

Hello consequences, my actions went that way.

lol

A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.

My maternal instincts have never been so confused.

[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]

“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”