@myonlymizztake

Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?

Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?

- @myonlymizztake

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@neiltyson

There’s just no way around this one: YOU MATTER, unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared, then YOU ENERGY.

@simoncholland

Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.

@ohpegah

I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)

Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)

@ErinChack

[Me drunk in the stands at the olympics heckling my husband who is a curler] oh LOOK who finally learned how to use a friCKIN BROOM. real nice doug where was this whEN YOU SPILLED FUNIONS IN THE DEN doug

@HairyJew4Life

Me: Why does it take you forever to text me back?

*3 hours later*

Her: What are you talking about?

@Reverend_Scott

mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE

me: My best friend will protect me

mugger: Haha, right-

[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]

@crylenol

*Ouija board begins spelling*
H-A-V-E_S-O-M-E
“Ooooh, spooky”
G-R-A-N-D-C-H-I-L-D-R-E-N
“Dammit Grandma, haunt someone else”

@ch000ch

i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.

@wittwitbarista

*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!

@roxiqt

ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now

FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—

ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all