[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
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For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.
police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…
Instead of catching your child every time they fall, teach them how to effectively execute a tuck and roll.
Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
7: Empire Strikes Back?
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no
My 6yo daughter’s teacher just gave me a “Most Improved Ponytail” award.
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
*random dog humps my dog*
Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.
Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty