Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
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Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…
i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”
Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*
My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”
Next time I get a pat-down at TSA I’m gonna tear off my ascot, suggestively peel off my reversible belt, and yell, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, BRIAN? IS IT?”
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.
it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
“Sir how should we sell scissors?”
SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors
When people say “You can fit a million earths in the sun!!!”
I’m like:
Hey. Maybe we shouldnt put any earths in the sun. The sun is hot.