@myonlymizztake

Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?

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@pleatedjeans

[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN

@ObscureGent

For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.

@FweeHouses

police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…

@Twtercide

Instead of catching your child every time they fall, teach them how to effectively execute a tuck and roll.

You’re welcome.

@thedadvocate01

Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no

@The_JRM

My 6yo daughter’s teacher just gave me a “Most Improved Ponytail” award.

@Reverend_Scott

Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.

@Pork_Chop_Hair

[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*

Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!

Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.

@darinlovesbacon

Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty