Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?

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[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!


For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.


police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…


Instead of catching your child every time they fall, teach them how to effectively execute a tuck and roll.

You’re welcome.


Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no


My 6yo daughter’s teacher just gave me a “Most Improved Ponytail” award.


Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.


[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*

Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!

Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.


Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty