@neiltyson There’s just no way around this one: YOU MATTER, unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared, then YOU ENERGY.
@myonlymizztake Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
- @myonlymizztake
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@neiltyson 
@simoncholland Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
@ohpegah I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)
Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)
@ErinChack [Me drunk in the stands at the olympics heckling my husband who is a curler] oh LOOK who finally learned how to use a friCKIN BROOM. real nice doug where was this whEN YOU SPILLED FUNIONS IN THE DEN doug
@HairyJew4Life Me: Why does it take you forever to text me back?
*3 hours later*
Her: What are you talking about?
@Reverend_Scott mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]
@crylenol *Ouija board begins spelling*
H-A-V-E_S-O-M-E
“Ooooh, spooky”
G-R-A-N-D-C-H-I-L-D-R-E-N
“Dammit Grandma, haunt someone else”
@ch000ch i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
@wittwitbarista *2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!
@roxiqt ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all