Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
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Me: *all four burners going, two pots boiling over, oven beeping, being burned by grease splatter*
8yo: Mom!! You’re not even watching my cartwheel!
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
when i worked in an office i had an ’emergency google sheet’ that i kept open in a tab all day and if my boss walked by i’d switch to it from twitter and enter 69s and 420s in its cells with a look of great seriousness on my face
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.
But science tells us otherwise.
#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle
architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife
pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.
[unwrapping gift] oh wow, an item. I love these
[accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery]
teller: WHAT
me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY
teller: WHAT
me: THE MONEY
teller: GOD IT’S HOT IN HERE
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
Me: I love you more than a flower loves the sun.
10: I love you more than a teenager loves her phone