Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
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Flying is a luxury experience in the same way as getting a colonoscopy is one.
You realize you are privileged to be able to afford it, but that doesn’t make it feel good.
[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.
HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?
SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.
HK: Is…is that so?
*distant Wagner music*
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
I should be able to make a divorce registry at Target.
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.
New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?
Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?
His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.
-Oreo to milk
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt
You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities
Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family’s accounts
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
[blind date]
HER: I love sports!
ME: Uh…me too
HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass
ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.
Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?
Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.
Nobody likes failing a CAPTCHA but you don’t need to worry if you’re really a robot unless you notice more than the normal amount of springs and gears in your poop.