Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son

[slashing food truck tires]

friend: wtf are you doing?!

[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!

Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner

I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.

“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.

Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.

Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.

I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.

contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment

super villain: no

contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming

Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.

5: *comes in room* hey old lady

Me: *looks around*

5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady

Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*

[making out after date]

Her: Should we go back to your place?

Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet

“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”

I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae

‘god is not a potato’ is one of those phrases that is going to live rent free in my head forever. and i’m not mad about it

And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?

[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]

“Stop hurting that octopus!”

[infomercial]

ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!

AUDIENCE: YES!

*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*

About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.

So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.

Tried arguing on the internet today.

Wouldn’t recommend it.

0 out of 5 stars.

Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?

I put the p in pants.

yes, national anxiety is high, but at least it also gets dark at 4pm

There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.

Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’

Hubby : It’s a scarf!

My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.

[On my death bed]

My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?

Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.

When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.

Any time I throw up, I stare at it like I’m getting a message from the past.