Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
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I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.
My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
Me trying to walk in a dream
My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.
He f**ng waved.
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.
I’m up at 5 am, knocking things off my to do list before half of you are even awake. Get on my level
Parents: back in the day, we didn’t go to therapy
Me: it shows
I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.
last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”
If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:
Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.
No, he would not have.
While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she “only eats farm-to-table,” and has “never felt better.”
Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.
Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.