Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
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People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.
Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?
~ Me as a therapist
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
You’ve attempted to log into your online subscription of Psychology Today, please prove you’re not an imposter.
Every BBC series about the universe.
I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”
Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
Boss: What are you working on?
Me: Something I have limited time to finish.
Boss: Oh, okay. I’ll leave you to it, then.
Me: [goes back to Prime Day shopping]
Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
instagram: look at my new boyfriend
twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend
reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours
A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.
5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.
All these new parents wanting time to slow down, and I’m over here trying to get a fake ID for my 4YO so she can go buy Mommy’s wine.
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.