Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
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my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.
Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.
huge valentines day plans this year!!
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I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”
Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
I learned 2 things today:
My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck
That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck
Twitter fine art
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Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.
invited to a party: will there be food?
to a wedding: will there be food?
to the gym: will there be food?
to an orgy: will there be food?
to an intervention: will there be food?
to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-
officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking
My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.
I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”
My toddler has just learned how to say her brother’s name. So now she keeps repeating his name over and over, which is driving him absolutely crazy. I have to admit that I’m kinda enjoying it though. Better him than me!
The 3 yo was playing row row row your boat in a box across the floor. All was fun until he announced his paddle broke.
It’s my shoe. My shoe was the paddle. My shoe is broken.
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
[lying in front of the fire]
11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?
9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*
Me: *screams*
9: Asleep
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.
Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.