Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.

My dad : My mom :
Disciplined Graceful

🤝

Me : Disgrace😭

Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?

Wife: Oh god

Me: They study algae, brah!

Judge: Divorce granted

H: What’s for breakfast?

M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*

H: Great, when are you making potatoes?

M: They’re in my orange juice.

My boss: you seem distracted today…

Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.

PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.

The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.

Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.

I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”

HER: i’m leaving u

ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia

HER: yes

ME: did the dog put you up to this

If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart

Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.

hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here

Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over

If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”

God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.

Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years

Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken

You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.

I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.

[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts

Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.

I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.

Not at all I replied.

Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.

I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.

Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go

GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II

ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya

Them: “I hate to be a…”

Me: “Then don’t.”

Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?

Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…

‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’

My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.