Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Be Careful Driving

#BostonBlizzard2015

My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.

The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…

[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now

[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?

Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,

[ date ]

her: i have a PhD

zombie: *jaw falls off*

Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.

[engineer looking at blueprints]

“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”

my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee

Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.

Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above

If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.

Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.

911, what’s your emergency?

Me (whispering): I’m holding a bagel in my right hand

Are you left handed?

No but I couldn’t use my right thumbprint to unlock my iPhone so I used the emergency button

Okay but why are you whispering?

I don’t want the killer to know I have a bagel

[first guy to be sent to hell]

guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup

It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”

If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.

White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.

I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.

My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.

Her: What are you doing this weekend?

Me [getting ready to jump off the roof with an umbrella]: Science stuff

there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter

Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.

Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’

American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom

Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.

My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’

My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever

[In a cucumber submarine]

1st mate: *inspecting leak* we’re taking on saltwater captain

Cptn: hm yes looks like we’re in quite the pickle