Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
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When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.
Bon appetit!
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run
I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.
mood
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
Got stuck in a long line at the store but at least I got to hear the guy behind me tell his friend all about his goats escaping and coming back pregnant
*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.
But it was hollow. And white chocolate.
I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.