Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*teacher sees students sharing a note*

Teacher: why don’t you read that out loud

Student: [reading note] Dear teacher, this is an intervention. Your methods of discipline via public humiliation are uninspired carbon copies of Hollywood tropes. We wrote this letter as a class…

Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.

Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.

If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.

*pats belly*

Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?

Me: Yes. Nachos.

My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.

Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.

Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.

No my Darling, I won’t be skipping to the loo. I have a situation and I shall be walking, ever so slowly, ever so carefully, to the loo. Like I’m transporting nitroglycerin in a Conestoga over the Sierra Nevada.

I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.

Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation

Me: *floating*

I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.

me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza

Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?

me: if you love someone set them free

boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners

me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad

I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.

What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine

My husband obviously loves my style, anytime I say “How do I look?” He doesn’t even have to look at me, he just replies “Gorgeous.”

‘God given talent’ is a weird idea.

God: “Hmmm, I’ll give it to that kid and let the other millions work in data entry.”

Upon discovering that the good burger place I wanted to get dinner from is closed today, and feeling that no other place would do, I said, “I do not wish to sully my palate with an inferior burger,” and I sounded like if Mr. Darcy was a foodie throwing a tantrum.

Friend: what are you doing for VD?

Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice

Friend: Valentine’s Day…

Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice

Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.

I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.

“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.

Her: I hate organized religion

Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too

Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes

Me: I need one washer for the sink

Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces

[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out

Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.