Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.
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As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”
Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I’m flying United today.
Him: Don’t forget your helmet.
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst
*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
Went to cancel a streaming service that was $10.99 a month and they were like “Lol ok you got us how about $2.99?”
Going to spend tomorrow cancelthreatening every service in my life.
me, to my wife: calm down and smile more
Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
The moon is waxing but my interest is waning because I like a moon with full bush ok
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.
Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*
If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet.
“It was always huge & full sized!” said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.