Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@mariana057

My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???

@fro_vo

ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear

@loribuckmajor

Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.

@NewDadNotes

[stargazing with my daughter]

Daughter: dada where’s Orion’s Belt?

Me: it’s probably on Orion’s Pants lol.

Daughter:

Me:

Daughter: this is why I have a C in science.

@notacroc

BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?

@Melchievous

Home is where your toilet is.

@Shenanigans_luv

*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me

@Havish_AF

[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1. Divorce lawyers

@ShortSleeveSuit

ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat

MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done

@mewritesgood

I bought my nephew a drum set because:

A) I’m an awesome uncle
B) Learning to play an instrument is important
C) I hate my sister