Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
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17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm
I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
lmao
71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.
My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are
Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.
Them: who ya gonna call
Me: ghostbusters
Them: sweet, what’s the number
Me: they didn’t say
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day
Me: lights xmas candle
printer: replace cyan ink cartridge
me: why? It’s a black and white document
printer: need cyan to print it
me: why?
printer: cyan
The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!
What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?
Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
*puts spider in the ocean*
“Now go free and flourish into an octopus.”
*cuts girl in half & puts in ocean*
“Mermaid probably.”
Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
🤷♂️😆🤷♂️😆
I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.