@KateWhineHall

Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.

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@blade_funner

The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.

@thebeckyard

“Mom, you need to calm down with how much cheese you’ve been buying.”

*silently writes him out of my will*

@KeetPotato

roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”

@KamaroPayne

My kids are gone for the WHOLE day. nnI miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.

@beefman138

Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’

I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’

@ZAKagan

BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels

@shutupmikeginn

Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar

@sevenxx7

Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.

@prufrockluvsong

I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.

@bluntphilip

Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.